Grateful but it’s Hard.

Since I started my podcast back in April, I’ve not made any time to write.  I’ve had to rearrange my priorities, but I miss writing. I had become really regular writing about what we’ve been up to on here, and it served as a great way for me to look back on things. I don’t really do baby books and am terrible about printing pictures. I suppose Instagram serves that purpose pretty well though.

I’m 27 weeks pregnant with our third boy. Last night I had the first “I feel trapped” feeling of this pregnancy. I got it with both of the other two every once in a while toward the end. It’s like you get this moment of panic feeling like OMG this baby keeps getting bigger and I’m feeling a little trapped in my own body. It usually passes after a couple of minutes, but it’s a weird feeling.

I can’t decide if this pregnancy is creeping or flying by- it feels a little like both depending on the day. Part of me is totally fine with time creeping and embracing just having the two boys- they are wild enough on their own. But part of me is ready for this baby to be here. I have no idea what this kid will be like, but I remember after Louis was born, thinking how easy the newborn was compared to the 2.5 year old. Hopefully those same feelings will exist, though I know that Louis was always an extremely easy baby.

Time management has been a bit of a struggle for me these past few months. Just trying to figure out how to get everything I want done with my podcast, coaching and working part time at Athletic Annex planning events and managing their social media and communications. I’m mostly home full time with the boys and try to not work much when they are around. I do sneak in work when Louis is napping and Marshall watches some TV (he’s been team no nap for a while now).  My best guess is I’m spending 15 hours a week on the podcast and coaching, and then 15-20 hours a week with Athletic Annex. And there is so much more I want to do with both, but the hours just aren’t there. I’ve had the boys in childcare every Tuesday for the pat 7 weeks and that’s super helpful- our last Tuesday is this week!

Marshall is starting full time pre-school, a week from tomorrow. He’s been going to a parents day out program for two years now- this past year three days a week from 9am-2pm, so the change won’t be too crazy. He’s now moving to all five days from 9am-3:30pm. The amazing thing is the school is literally across the street from our house, so we can just walk him over in the morning and walk over to get him at the end of the day. I have to be honest that I’m struggling with a bit of guilt because I’m sending him a year early. He just turned 4 and this is truly a pre-k program. At this point, I fully intend on sending him to this program for two years as I don’t forsee him or me being ready to for kindergarten until he is 6. The guilt lies in me thinking I’m pushing him out of here being home with my a year early, when I’m going to be here anyway with the other two, why so soon? But I do feel like my attention to him will be so distracted between the other two and my work stuff that he’ll thrive more and ultimately have more attention (and less TV watching, let’s be honest) at school than he would at home with me. I still feel guilty though.

Sometimes I feel like if I shut down all the other things consuming my mind, I’d be better at staying home with my kids- I talked about this a bit on my podcast with Vicki Bohlsen. Would I feel depressed or would I feel energized? Would I be bored or would I find joy in learning to cook or having more time to clean my house or not feeling rushed to get one more thing edited or checked off my list. I’m not sure there is a perfect balance- actually I know there is no perfect balance, and I think it’s hard no matter what. I think I just have to work on enjoying the “hard” whichever way I choose to take it.

Glenn always tells me “you don’t always have to be doing something”, but I sort of feel like I do. Not because I HAVE to but because it satisfies me and I get excited when I get things done. Nothing fuels my anxiety more than not getting things done, if that makes any sense. I’ve always had some anxiety issues- usually health related anxiety and staying busy is one of the best ways I know how to fight it.

I say none of this to sound ungrateful. I know I am so fortunate to have these boys, a great husband and the opportunity to stay home with them and also pursue what I love to do. It’s just hard though. Kids are exhausting and there’s no real break. I know I’m not alone, but it’s still hard. Kids are demanding. And don’t feel bad for me- I still found the time to finish Orange is the New Black, and keep up the Bachelor. Life is good. I’m just a little whiney.

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Comments

  1. You do a ton Lindsey and I’m happy for you.

    I’m the same way about “always doing something”. I feel like I always have to be doing something because it makes me satisfied. I don’t enjoy “just relaxing” for hours.

    I enjoy listening to your podcasts but I always enjoy reading your blog too.

    1. Lindsey Hein

      Thank you Hollie!! Yes, very seldom can I just relax without feeling like I should be doing something else. When I do decide to go for it though, I try to embrace it and really shut everything off! Thank you for listening and supporting the podcast! I mean you’ll forever be episode 18! 🙂

  2. Belle

    You are beautiful, your boys are beautiful and I think the best thing we can all do is live in exactly the present moment. Although easier said than done – I know. Anxiety is a result of living in the past or trying to predict the future. All of your thoughtful, parenting choices are never, no way going to mess any of your children up. When we do things in love, the result is love. Your desire to keep busy as a way to stave off anxiety is just you living in the present moment. It’s exactly the way to do it. Sitting and doing nothing is also doing something but that’s another topic I think. It is very evident out here on the internet that you are a deeply loving woman. Your children are blessed to call you their mom. They are going to grow into strong, confident men because they know your love.

    1. Lindsey Hein

      Hi Belle! Thank you for the thoughtful response. Anxiety is a result of living in the past or trying to predict the future. SO TRUE. You are right, doing nothing is also doing something, I need to learn to master that with a calm and satisfied mind. Glenn seems to do it very well. (He’s all about the Sunday afternoon nap, while I”m all like – how are you wasting the day with a nap?!) Thanks for all of your support as always Belle! XOXO!

  3. Holly

    You nailed it. Parenting is hard work NO MATTER WHAT your choices are with lots of rewarding moments. It isn’t whining to admit that! One day at a time 🙂

  4. I swear i could have written this post! Just last night my husband was like “come sit down and relax” because I was trying to clean the kitchen and do laundry after getting the youngest to bed. (Someone has to do it!) but I can’t sit still unless I know everything is done. I feel you on the mom guilt thing. I run my own business so sometimes I do feel guilty sending them to school, when I could probably juggle it with them being here. BUT they are learning SOOO much more than i would ever know to teach them, and I’m so much less stressed with them at school. You do what is best for you and keep rocking it being a mama!! I’m loving your podcasts and can’t wait to download the latest for this weekends long run!!

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