Grateful but it’s Hard.
Since I started my podcast back in April, I’ve not made any time to write. I’ve had to rearrange my priorities, but I miss writing. I had become really regular writing about what we’ve been up to on here, and it served as a great way for me to look back on things. I don’t really do baby books and am terrible about printing pictures. I suppose Instagram serves that purpose pretty well though.
I’m 27 weeks pregnant with our third boy. Last night I had the first “I feel trapped” feeling of this pregnancy. I got it with both of the other two every once in a while toward the end. It’s like you get this moment of panic feeling like OMG this baby keeps getting bigger and I’m feeling a little trapped in my own body. It usually passes after a couple of minutes, but it’s a weird feeling.
I can’t decide if this pregnancy is creeping or flying by- it feels a little like both depending on the day. Part of me is totally fine with time creeping and embracing just having the two boys- they are wild enough on their own. But part of me is ready for this baby to be here. I have no idea what this kid will be like, but I remember after Louis was born, thinking how easy the newborn was compared to the 2.5 year old. Hopefully those same feelings will exist, though I know that Louis was always an extremely easy baby.
Time management has been a bit of a struggle for me these past few months. Just trying to figure out how to get everything I want done with my podcast, coaching and working part time at Athletic Annex planning events and managing their social media and communications. I’m mostly home full time with the boys and try to not work much when they are around. I do sneak in work when Louis is napping and Marshall watches some TV (he’s been team no nap for a while now). My best guess is I’m spending 15 hours a week on the podcast and coaching, and then 15-20 hours a week with Athletic Annex. And there is so much more I want to do with both, but the hours just aren’t there. I’ve had the boys in childcare every Tuesday for the pat 7 weeks and that’s super helpful- our last Tuesday is this week!
Marshall is starting full time pre-school, a week from tomorrow. He’s been going to a parents day out program for two years now- this past year three days a week from 9am-2pm, so the change won’t be too crazy. He’s now moving to all five days from 9am-3:30pm. The amazing thing is the school is literally across the street from our house, so we can just walk him over in the morning and walk over to get him at the end of the day. I have to be honest that I’m struggling with a bit of guilt because I’m sending him a year early. He just turned 4 and this is truly a pre-k program. At this point, I fully intend on sending him to this program for two years as I don’t forsee him or me being ready to for kindergarten until he is 6. The guilt lies in me thinking I’m pushing him out of here being home with my a year early, when I’m going to be here anyway with the other two, why so soon? But I do feel like my attention to him will be so distracted between the other two and my work stuff that he’ll thrive more and ultimately have more attention (and less TV watching, let’s be honest) at school than he would at home with me. I still feel guilty though.
Sometimes I feel like if I shut down all the other things consuming my mind, I’d be better at staying home with my kids- I talked about this a bit on my podcast with Vicki Bohlsen. Would I feel depressed or would I feel energized? Would I be bored or would I find joy in learning to cook or having more time to clean my house or not feeling rushed to get one more thing edited or checked off my list. I’m not sure there is a perfect balance- actually I know there is no perfect balance, and I think it’s hard no matter what. I think I just have to work on enjoying the “hard” whichever way I choose to take it.
Glenn always tells me “you don’t always have to be doing something”, but I sort of feel like I do. Not because I HAVE to but because it satisfies me and I get excited when I get things done. Nothing fuels my anxiety more than not getting things done, if that makes any sense. I’ve always had some anxiety issues- usually health related anxiety and staying busy is one of the best ways I know how to fight it.
I say none of this to sound ungrateful. I know I am so fortunate to have these boys, a great husband and the opportunity to stay home with them and also pursue what I love to do. It’s just hard though. Kids are exhausting and there’s no real break. I know I’m not alone, but it’s still hard. Kids are demanding. And don’t feel bad for me- I still found the time to finish Orange is the New Black, and keep up the Bachelor. Life is good. I’m just a little whiney.