Why I’m Staying Home.

I went back to work in September. I was fortunate to have a super flexible schedule, going into the office three days a week and putting in some evening and weekend hours. We found a couple of great babysitters (Butler students) and things were looking up.

As time went on, I started to realize I wasn’t willing to give the time necessary to execute everything that could and should be done with the job. There is a lot of exciting stuff going on right now, including the launch of a new team with Wheeler Mission, a potential new race and the list goes on. The position deserves more than I can give right now.

I love what I do with Back on My Feet (communications, PR, event planning, etc.) and am very passionate about our mission. I have learned a lot and grown so much, both personally and professionally. On top of that, I have been given the opportunity to meet some incredible people along the way.

Some of my favorite BoMF Memories:

Running James’ first marathon with him in 2011.  – Read about it here.

This was before a 5 miler I ran with Joe, one of our very first BoMF Members. Marshall was born three weeks after this race and sadly Joe passed away three weeks after that. I’m so thankful I had the opportunity to run one of his last races with him. We miss him dearly.  Here is the BoMF post I wrote after he passed – Remembering Joe.

Some of the amazing people of BoMF, before the Carmel Marathon last year.

And here I am back to work, at the Back on My Feet 42K Relay- post Marshall. I look happy and content… and  really I was… for the most part. BUT I had a break down in my my friend Emily’s kitchen when stopping by to borrow a table for the race the night before. I had been so busy planning this race that I felt like I hadn’t spent near enough time with Marshall. It was hard. I’m still glad I tried.

Needless to say, My heart was torn. 

Torn. Because every time I leave the house for work, I linger around (ask the babysitters) and don’t really feel like leaving. At the same time, when I do go in to the office and have a great meeting or get excited about a new project, I come home feeling rejuvenated and excited about what’s going on. And also excited to see Marshman.

Then… we have the days when I’m home all day, and I’m ready for a drink the second Glenn walks in the door. That being said, I’ve got a lot on my mind when I’m home with him all day- constantly trying to buy time and get work done while he naps and feeling stressed knowing what I need to get done once he’s in bed.

There are a million different things I could say about this decision. A million positives and negatives for both working or staying home in my situation. But I’ve made my decision to stay home with Marshall and as much as I might have doubts sometimes, I have to go full steam and be confident that this is what’s right for our family.

I hear people all of the time tell me, they wish they could stay home. I understand a lot of people just can’t, BUT at the same time, by no means was staying home something that was a snap of the fingers, easy decision over here. Sure, I work nonprofit and by no means am the bread winner in this family, but it still effects us financially in a pretty big way. (we are and have been making changes. we cut our cable, (no dvr… ahh!), and are cutting out other extras we don’t need (without being crazies- no seriously I read a blog about a guy who hadn’t ate out at a restaurant in 4 years… um no). And lastly, it sure as heck effects me emotionally. I’m going to miss my work. I’m going to miss having the alone time that you get when you drive in to work… ALONE. It’s gonna be a transition. 

I so clearly remember, three weeks after Marshall was born, swinging on the front porch swing with him, while babysitting our niece Giovanna, feeling completely sleep deprived  thinking- this is not what I want. I do not want to spend all day, every day taking care of kids, I want some freedom, some me time.

I’m not going to say that I went back to work or that I will soon be staying home from work to sacrifice for Marshall. Because really, we all know that Marshall would be just fine weather I stay home or not. If I take an honest look at why I  went back to work in the first place and why I have now decided to stay home. It was for me then and it is for me now. Because I know if my family is going to be happy, I have to be happy myself.

I had hoped that in going back to work I could find that perfect balance, but what I ended up being was fearful of (and still am) blinking and wondering where it all went. I know that will happen either way.

In general I enjoy a busy schedule, it makes me feel satisfied to check things off my list everyday. Which is why I was excited to go back to work and check off my BIG LIST everyday. After all, I’d have that flexible schedule. Why not get up at 4am and knock out a few hours of work before the rest of the world rises and then once 7am rolls I’ve already accomplished a lot.

Turns out I like the thought of being busy more than actually being busy. Yes, I need purpose to be happy, but not necessarily “busy purpose” and being busy doesn’t mean you have purpose.

It also turns out, I like to sleep. Now, if becoming a mom has taught me one thing, it’s that you CAN function and be productive on a lot less sleep than you think. But I don’t want to live like that. I just don’t.

Now, what I REFUSE to do is get stuck in a rut and get depressed about being home all the time. 

There are organizations and issues I am passionate about, but I know I can’t give the attention I’d like to give them if I’m so busy, not sleeping a lot and running around checking things off my list all the time. 

Believe it or not, I’m also excited to start cooking more (happens about 1-2 times a month right now, Glenn pretty much cooks dinner every night… don’t hate me, he actually likes to cook, but will very much appreciate me stepping up in the department). 

I hear people say all the time- don’t waste your time always making sure you have a clean house- embrace the messy and spend that time with your kids. Well guess what, if I’m going to be home – I can do both. I’m generally a much happier person when my house is clean and orderly. I get similar endorphin’s getting my house clean as I do running 10 miles. 

And then there’s the running. We all know I like to run. I like to workout and yes I’m going to be one of those stay at home moms at the gym and target in the middle of the day on a weekday. I’m really grateful I get to be one of those moms. 

And you know the kids club at LA Fitness will be my saving grace most days. Two hours of childcare. Those ladies are going to grow to hate me and know me as the woman who leaves her kid in there for exactly 1 hour and 59 minutes. And for $10 extra a month on the membership? Done. 

Basically, what I’m saying is, I’m going to try my hardest to kick ass at this stay at home thing. I know it won’t always be easy but I will set goals for myself and our family and it’s gonna be alright. 

Let me know if you know any fun, awesome stay at home moms in Indy- I’d love to connect. 

Marshall on a mission to knock those blocks over. How many times a day will I play this game in the next 6 months? Here we go….

Lot’s of alone time with you and I coming up buddy. Are you ready?

Anyway, I’ve got 5 or 6 more weeks on the job and lot’s of running going on, so I’m going to embrace the busy for a few more weeks.